“Any adult who can move from the ‘prosecuting attorney’ side of the courtroom to pleading the ‘defendant’s’ case will discover, through his or her own humility that it is not being right or wrong that seeds the happiness of a home, it is the freedom from being right or wrong.”
One of the most common causes of disruption and turmoil in households today is the conflict between parents who are battling each other in the hierarchy of supremacy. This entire ordeal of conflict often goes unnoticed by each parent as they continuously enforce their opposing beliefs onto the children, which unfortunately is also at the expense of the children themselves. When a child witnesses both parents in conflict, that is to say that both parties believe their ‘way’ to be the best way or the most suitable route to take, a weakness rises to the surface instantly which every single child can easily pick up on. This happens mainly on the subconscious level until the child’s ego comes into play over the early years but it begins to shape the personality of the child destructively and changes the whole dynamics of the family circle drastically. Once in this circle, it is very, very hard to change unless one party removes themselves from the situation and by the time it is apparent that something needs to be done, the pain and misery threshold has been exceeded, leading to a breakdown in the relationship and the single parent syndrome that we see all over the world. Here we have the rebellious child that sees the weak link in the relationship and pulls this string whenever one parent is not conforming. The conflict between the parents teaches the child that it is okay or normal to bring chaos where there is harmony.
The individual parent who seeks to be right above everything will never be satisfied because life will always challenge the egotistic side of human nature. Sometimes, it is necessary to be wrong in order to find our humility so that we can realign with the other parent and stand by them no matter what happens. This sends a message to the child that both parents are working together, in harmony, thus turning adequate responsibility back onto the child for reflection. The child then begins to reflect this same harmony back into the world because its pivot point for learning a positive reflection from two stable sources acting as one. As parents, it is okay for us to be wrong and we must remember that we are still growing in the world. Just because we have children it does not mean that we are no longer capable of learning.
After having children many parents adopt the ‘I know’ attitude wherein they either have to always have the last say or that they rarely listen to the child, always stamping the seal of authority as the last move on the game board. Children usually want to be heard not to be right.
If both parents stand in union with their proposal to the child then the child finds it harder to rebound one parent off of the other and now has a choice to either accept the advice or go at it alone and learn the hard way. The idea is not to make the child conform but to show them that the parents operate as a unit and this is what they will carry forward into their own mutual relationships throughout their teenage and adult lives. Having lived the scenario myself I have seen and acted out first hand with a partner, this type of parenting approach which, if looked at closely, can be seen in the personality of the child as they are growing. The basic erroneous fundamentals that conflict is normal have been seared into the memory and character of our children as they mimic their surroundings - this is the only way they learn at such a young age, by copying the blueprint that we leave behind.
One of the most common causes of disruption and turmoil in households today is the conflict between parents who are battling each other in the hierarchy of supremacy. This entire ordeal of conflict often goes unnoticed by each parent as they continuously enforce their opposing beliefs onto the children, which unfortunately is also at the expense of the children themselves. When a child witnesses both parents in conflict, that is to say that both parties believe their ‘way’ to be the best way or the most suitable route to take, a weakness rises to the surface instantly which every single child can easily pick up on. This happens mainly on the subconscious level until the child’s ego comes into play over the early years but it begins to shape the personality of the child destructively and changes the whole dynamics of the family circle drastically. Once in this circle, it is very, very hard to change unless one party removes themselves from the situation and by the time it is apparent that something needs to be done, the pain and misery threshold has been exceeded, leading to a breakdown in the relationship and the single parent syndrome that we see all over the world. Here we have the rebellious child that sees the weak link in the relationship and pulls this string whenever one parent is not conforming. The conflict between the parents teaches the child that it is okay or normal to bring chaos where there is harmony.
The individual parent who seeks to be right above everything will never be satisfied because life will always challenge the egotistic side of human nature. Sometimes, it is necessary to be wrong in order to find our humility so that we can realign with the other parent and stand by them no matter what happens. This sends a message to the child that both parents are working together, in harmony, thus turning adequate responsibility back onto the child for reflection. The child then begins to reflect this same harmony back into the world because its pivot point for learning a positive reflection from two stable sources acting as one. As parents, it is okay for us to be wrong and we must remember that we are still growing in the world. Just because we have children it does not mean that we are no longer capable of learning.
After having children many parents adopt the ‘I know’ attitude wherein they either have to always have the last say or that they rarely listen to the child, always stamping the seal of authority as the last move on the game board. Children usually want to be heard not to be right.
If both parents stand in union with their proposal to the child then the child finds it harder to rebound one parent off of the other and now has a choice to either accept the advice or go at it alone and learn the hard way. The idea is not to make the child conform but to show them that the parents operate as a unit and this is what they will carry forward into their own mutual relationships throughout their teenage and adult lives. Having lived the scenario myself I have seen and acted out first hand with a partner, this type of parenting approach which, if looked at closely, can be seen in the personality of the child as they are growing. The basic erroneous fundamentals that conflict is normal have been seared into the memory and character of our children as they mimic their surroundings - this is the only way they learn at such a young age, by copying the blueprint that we leave behind.
Cross-parenting is the source of most relationship failures and is evident not only through parent and child relationships but in the workplace, social and economic circles and is the disagreeable, ignorant, neverending battle in the hierarchy for superiority. The father who thinks his son should have outgrown the dummy by now is in conflict with the tired mother who wants the child to sleep so she can rest. The older brother who teaches the sibling to fight back where his mother teaches him to turn the other cheek and walk away. The only real understanding that can come from any off this is confusion and here we have a child, moving into early teenage years trembling with uncertainty in a world full of expectation. Two parents who are able to meet in the middle, that is to say, two parents who are able to swallow their pride and put their ego aside for the moment whilst they decide what is right for the future of their child and to let go of protecting their own emotions are those in the class of the highly-skilled. Any adult who can move from the ‘prosecuting attorney’ side of the courtroom to pleading the ‘defendant’s’ case will discover, through his or her own humility that it is not being right or wrong that seeds the happiness of a home, it is the freedom from being right or wrong.
If you want to know which side of the scale you are standing, the next time you are in conflict with your partner about anything at all, try to let go of your own judgment and see it from your partner's point of view and if you find it hard, then you are probably stood in the 'courtroom' as the prosecuting attorney rather than standing by the one you love.
Daniel Dempster.
If you want to know which side of the scale you are standing, the next time you are in conflict with your partner about anything at all, try to let go of your own judgment and see it from your partner's point of view and if you find it hard, then you are probably stood in the 'courtroom' as the prosecuting attorney rather than standing by the one you love.
Daniel Dempster.
